really? a whole month?

so. where were we? where have i been (i like to think youre interested, oh best beloved)? somewhere between nostalgic rage and grating apathy. i dont blame my current location, i dont blame the mrs, i dont blame myself. i find myself in a vacuum. i heading nowhere at no particlar speed. working at home i find i have more and more time to consider my lot. ill say right off the bat that it aint self pity. but i seem to be tangled in some kind of introspective web of self re-realisation. you know im a cunt, i know it, and it never suprises me when i remember. its not like i dont have my qualities, but they all come with a price tag. its more a case of "why havnt i learned to hide this yet" then i remember.... "fuck em". its not a great plan. but its a plan. and its my plan. its my ball, and were gonna play my way. is it working? well, whats the alternative? wife and kids, two up two down, dog and a bmw? yeah right.
now. this will be worth remembering.
the questions are more important than the answers.
got that?
the questions are more important than the answers.
my point is, when you are down and question it all, looking for 'answers, (religion, take a bow.... meditation, take a bow.... sheena take a bow....) i think that youre better to challenge than to resolve. that way you evolve. know what i mean? course you do. you aint stoopid (sic) one has to evolve and revolve. i aint talkin about a revolution (nor was tracey chapman, apparently) although, only violence ever changed anything. why are beaties shaped the way they are? so they dont get eaten by other beasties. quad erat demonstradum. no. revolve too. keeping going straight ahead is hard at times, as there is always some spastic in the way, and you cant go backwards, or stand still. and travel is 3d. length, depth and time. ytheres no width in it. although time, being linear, does in some way distort the other two, in the same way that depth will always distort length, as the theory of paralax dictates, but i digress.
thats the trouble with so much time. too much time to think. hence the opening statement. its also changed my thought patterns. (i need to consider how that has manifested itself. watch this space) im living to create at the moment, which is not as easy as i thought. by nature im a destructive sort. and pachydermical. these two things mean that the muse has no easy road in. as michaelangelo said on how he sculpted, "i remove all that is unnecesary", so if i get all the pretence, all the flourishes, all the baubles and bangles, all the hype, all the fashion.... all the arty bollocks, set fire to it and pretend i threw it in the river, maybe i will be left with something beautiful. and we all know what desmond morris said about that. and i share his views on wallpaper - which is disturbing, funny and paradoxical....... also applies to the personalities of my friends. but you knew that too.
so what to do. sit and write and draw and think, drink tea, eat nanas and smoke too much, if 4g og golden virginia a day is too much.
catch you further down the road.

piece out.