really? a whole month?

so. where were we? where have i been (i like to think youre interested, oh best beloved)? somewhere between nostalgic rage and grating apathy. i dont blame my current location, i dont blame the mrs, i dont blame myself. i find myself in a vacuum. i heading nowhere at no particlar speed. working at home i find i have more and more time to consider my lot. ill say right off the bat that it aint self pity. but i seem to be tangled in some kind of introspective web of self re-realisation. you know im a cunt, i know it, and it never suprises me when i remember. its not like i dont have my qualities, but they all come with a price tag. its more a case of "why havnt i learned to hide this yet" then i remember.... "fuck em". its not a great plan. but its a plan. and its my plan. its my ball, and were gonna play my way. is it working? well, whats the alternative? wife and kids, two up two down, dog and a bmw? yeah right.
now. this will be worth remembering.
the questions are more important than the answers.
got that?
the questions are more important than the answers.
my point is, when you are down and question it all, looking for 'answers, (religion, take a bow.... meditation, take a bow.... sheena take a bow....) i think that youre better to challenge than to resolve. that way you evolve. know what i mean? course you do. you aint stoopid (sic) one has to evolve and revolve. i aint talkin about a revolution (nor was tracey chapman, apparently) although, only violence ever changed anything. why are beaties shaped the way they are? so they dont get eaten by other beasties. quad erat demonstradum. no. revolve too. keeping going straight ahead is hard at times, as there is always some spastic in the way, and you cant go backwards, or stand still. and travel is 3d. length, depth and time. ytheres no width in it. although time, being linear, does in some way distort the other two, in the same way that depth will always distort length, as the theory of paralax dictates, but i digress.
thats the trouble with so much time. too much time to think. hence the opening statement. its also changed my thought patterns. (i need to consider how that has manifested itself. watch this space) im living to create at the moment, which is not as easy as i thought. by nature im a destructive sort. and pachydermical. these two things mean that the muse has no easy road in. as michaelangelo said on how he sculpted, "i remove all that is unnecesary", so if i get all the pretence, all the flourishes, all the baubles and bangles, all the hype, all the fashion.... all the arty bollocks, set fire to it and pretend i threw it in the river, maybe i will be left with something beautiful. and we all know what desmond morris said about that. and i share his views on wallpaper - which is disturbing, funny and paradoxical....... also applies to the personalities of my friends. but you knew that too.
so what to do. sit and write and draw and think, drink tea, eat nanas and smoke too much, if 4g og golden virginia a day is too much.
catch you further down the road.

piece out.

what a piece of work is man blahblahblah, the paragon of animals

where the hell have the last two weeks gone, pop pickers? to be honest, ive had problems. (wah wah wah). no. not that sort. i dont really get them. man up, thats the way forward for me. what doesnt kill you is obviously just wastin your time. problems of a creative nature. vacuuous, empty, desert-like wilderness, in which i have been wandering around in like some kind of hairy pacman. i dont believe in ghosts either, so there we are then.
ive been struggling to find anything to listen to. i mean, sure, the oldies-but-goodies still hit the mark, but man cannot live by bread alone. those of you who know the morsks inner workings will realise that this is no small thing. it also means that my designs are suffering too. its hard to remain minimalist when you are empty. still. thats not your problem, oh best beloved, and no amount of me pissing and moanings gonna fix that.
so who do i blame. o.p.p yeah you know me. i wont blame myself. its either your fault or a blame free culture. i told you. im a hypocrite. if you dont like that, go read a book. i blame spring. i am, by nature, a miserable bastard. grumpy as fuck. now all the flowers are out, its turned into the wizzard of oz. mankind seems to be full of the joys of, and i tell you, i RESENT it. winter is good. its cold, its dead, its miserable. i like it. i identify with it. all this hope for the new season. when will they learn, its only gonna disapoint you like last year. the country is in tatters, the bank spent a gang of cash then went bust (a bank, mind you) and the taxpayer bailed them out. thats you, my dears. and yet we can still pay for the olympics (quiet tho, aint they.....) city still suck, and now jade goody is dead. well. good as. (strange sayin that, but very apt, lets face it. she was fuckin useless, cept laughandpoint) all this talk of new life. the old life is broken and no one will fix it. were just like gamblers hoping that spending more will somehow regain us what is already lost, forgettin that the odds are always in the houses favour. the fault, dear brutus, is not in the stars, but in ourselves.
l8r sk8r

i love the beadles, dont you mate?

so now you can do a degree in the beatles. what in the name of hot gossip is going on? is it me or is this country getting retarded. when i was at school, we did physics, biology and chemistry. not science. apparently now kids are allowed ipods in the classroom. wed have got a slap. no. really. when i was 9 i got a hiding in front of the whole school for calling the dinner lady a cow. shed told me off for something or other and i retorted in typical morsk fashion that she couldnt tell me what to do outside shcool and therefore she was a cow. i got an imedate extra hiding for telling the headmaster i hadnt learned my lesson. well. its true enough. im still the same cheeky monkey. it taught me somthing tho. when i got home, i got another one of course, for the same thing. that taught me something too. so what did i learn? double jeapordy exists, and trust no one. she could have dealt with it, if she indeed could tell me what to do outside school. and my old man a prison governor. he at least should have realised id been punished twice already. big bloke too. taught me that a punch in the face only hurts if you believe it does. so now, i cant be beaten physically. but i digress. i passed my 11+ and went to grammer school, and had to wear a blazer and tie. imagine my horror when i then transfered to a comprehensive (ironic) that some kids still wrote with pencils, and not fountain pens. some couldnt even read properly. what the hell? how has the education system failed them? and why had the system failed me? why is a grammer schoolboy back in the farmyard? it didnt matter i could speak latin anymore. that dont stop the coucil estate kids stealing my dinner money. but. it did mold your humble servant. made me the finder of lost children that you know and love. whats that got to do with the beatles? fucktifino...... kinda got distra..... oh look, a baby wolf.

weekend

im happier today. well. i say happier. my backs stopped bein an inconvenience, and nothing has made me angry for a few days. that itself is unusual. mind you i had an episode with a netgear wireless router not wanting to accept its ip address, but im more intelligent than windows xp, so no biggie. i lost an entire day to a tv series yesterday. 12 hours of carnivale, anyone whos not seen it, give it a go. anyone who dont like it, fair enough, anyone who did will understand. now i cant just watch an episode of....... i need to see it thru. id rather not watch it at all til its out on dvd. films are the same. i loose count of how many rubbish films ive seen. i cant just switch off. thats the kind of man youre dealing with here people. i have to run it to the end. im exactly the same with relationships. not just the kissykissy kind, but they usually end with a bang! ill always watch the credits. for me there is no parting as friends. we are either still friends who no longer swap bodily fluids, or at the end of kissykissy relationships, i see no point. lets be honest here. we became friends so i could see what her pants taste like, and stayed friends so i could keep tastin them. is that a crime? so in this instance, read series for date. i dont really like dates. all this whining ad dining meelark. one day shell complain that we dont do that anymore. i find the best way, for me of course, and i suggest that the faint-hearted dont try this, i tell them straight out of the gate, if at anytime they are unhappy, they are free to go. no arguments, no raised voices, no scenes. its just not worth the agro to me. ill fight you, whoever you are, i dont care how big you are. as long as there is a point. forgetting flowers on a birthday is not a point and i will not fall out over it. want to argue? why? we will make up anyway, or, theres the door, use it. no blame, no shame, no game. i invite them along on stuff im going to be doing anyway. all mammals eat, drink, sleep, fight, bleed and fornicate. at the end of a relationship, they always end up resenting the things they found amusing. i had a girl tell me once she hated me doing pills. guess what id given her on our first date? exactly. i cant abide hypocrisy in others. i thought we were talkin about films. i prefer music to films. infinitely. but at the moment, my problem is NOTHING moves me. its awful. i have a lot of stuff knocking around here. none of it is doing it for me. well. im off for a cig. then ive got some german film from the 70s or czeck from the 60s. why cant music be more like that? so good people. a bientot.

for the love of cliff

words cant convey to you how very little patience i have today. where did it all go wrong? (i will assume you ask) idunno. the landlord was two hours late coming round to see me. my tumble driar is not drying. and a ring on my cooker dont cook. id also recieved a letter from some finance house or other demanding my details of tennancy. needless to say i told them to do one until id spoken to the landlord. anyhoo. turns out, under the recent financial um situation, i think ill call it, that his affairs were to go under management and they will collect all of it so hed loose all the proffit on each of his 35 properties, not including the penthouse in spain thats worth £1.5m but couldnt give away, an the £3.5m divorce settlement last year didnt help, andit was more or less the fault of tennants not paying up on time. as you can imagine, i told him i have no sympathy. went down like sand in in the vaseline. oh well.
then my machine was running slower than a 56k job. remember them?
then my ipod went tits up.
mother
of
god
i never leave the house without it. 2gig nano. nothin flash. handy as i can change the tracks dailt if the mood takes me.
then i had to wait for the repair man, who despite knowing the problem and the make, turned up without the part.
then i applied for a drug testing program. £2k for takin a few experimental respiratory pills. the fact ive not seen a doctor for 10 years, so have no records for the the last 3 years ecludes me. "experimental drugs? are you mad?" you say? ok. how many times did you smoke/snot/inject something? you never know exactly what it is, but you do it anyway....? no? then you will never understand, but suffice it, that plenty of labrats and bunnies died already to make it almost 100% safe before they were granted a licence to try it on humans.
then i managed to cock up my fried eggs. i broke two yolks then lrt the other go hard, so no dippin of the mcains for me. nice one centurion.
doesnt sound muxh i know, but i am the opposite of dr kildare. unknown for my patients.
how did hbos loose £24b? c-units to a man. and who suffers? you, dear reader, as i am assuming you are a good little taxpayer, as for me, well, dream on.
one bit of good news tho. herindoors just picked up my ipod and said "did you try this?" and it worked. miraculous. course i tried it. umptenn fekin times. i fix stuff. thats what i do. not have a johnny foreigner, not even the mancub variety, do it for me. am i happy? im only happy when im unhappy. anyone not happy with that, go read a book.
well. hasta manana.

and away we go

im cold. my back hurts. sciatica. bless. grin and bear it. for anyone who has not had it, its a trapped nerve in my lower back. its as inconvenient as a mullettrucker. in real terms it means ill never be a limbo champion, and nothing more. it truly is grim up north. i miss the westcountry. i havent seen any livestock since i got here in september. i am here because i 'have' to be, not because i want to be. herindoors is doing some uni meelark. dont ask me what. ask her. i dont know what its like here, i dont know. i work from home so i dont have to go further than sainsburys down the road. its always jammers with bloody students.
i have no interest in 'making friends' here. i have all the friends i need, but for one reason or another, i dont see them anymore. i will. soon i hope. so the tinterweb has some uses. i finally sorted out my messenger. for some reason microshite couldnt get a new one that works with zonealarm. nice work. messenger is the only way i have of talkin to luchbox. lunchbox is my 'go to' guy, so you can see why that would be a pain up the 'arris when messenger goes tango uniform. so that brings me to arsebook.
i hate it more than handsome george hates pikeys. but these days its kinda necessary. i can keep up with everyones smalltalk, without having to feign interest therein. bear in mind, you already know i despise looking at peoples pictures, unless i have some connection with the person. "look how mashed i look....". yeah. nice one. now do one or ill cut your ears off. but it is a good metaphor (do i mean that? do i mean microsomething.... idunno) for life. we make friends, choose to portray ourselves in a certain light, declare to the world that we are in or out of relationships and such, publish photos, yaddayaddayadda..... there is also the underlying paranoia amongst some that it is some form of conspiracy to make the 'authorities' aware of who knows who and whos doing what with who and for how much. jeebus rollerblading christ. how arrogant. lets face it, we all have 'friends' that were not really interested in. i deleted 52 bods the other day. not because i dont like them. just because, well, honestly....? im not that bothered. id love to delete it all together, but it has its uses, as weve said. but hang on, thats true in life to. honestly now, dont you have a few non-ether based friends like that? i do. then of course it spills out of the ether. how often do you hear "yeah, like, i saw on your facebook........". does that not defeat the object? i think possibly its all getting a little serious. some chap, ive no idea who he is, friend of a friend (an actual friend) got all offended when i posted a note saying i neither knew nor cared who he is. whatthecrazyhell? when did honesty go out of fashion? if id told him that in a bar, he would have doubled away smartly, but facebook gives you nads, apparently....... hotwattinhum. but we keep going with it dont we. i had a great old chinwag with an old friend yesterday on the instant message thing. he actually encouraged me to do this. so blame him.

day one

first off, i dont do capital letters or much puntuation. anyone not happy with that, go read a book.

i dont do blogs as a rule. i dont really understand what they are, what theyre for or what they are supposed to achieve. anyone not happy with that, go read a book.

i dont mean to alienate anyone, humiliate anyone, upset anyone, berate anyone, although any references to places, events or people (alive or dead) is purely intentional. anyone not happy with that, go read a book.

so there we have it. lets try and get this toad on the road